This is Not a Rom-Com: The Discarded

I was discarded this week. Unlike a typical “ghosting” - often connected with casual or online dating - a “discard” is a bird of a different color. A “discard” makes “ghosting” look like a walk in the park. First off, I need to give you some context. I have been in a relationship (or I was in a relationship) for close to six months. While I would love to tell you it was a fantastical “meet-cute” while grabbing coffee while rollerskating with my dog or some other typical late mid-90’s rom-com scenario, it wasn’t. We met online and at this point, I was casually dating a lot online. A lot. I was having fun (or trying to) mostly going on coffee or drink dates, trying to get to know people and having fun but still longing - if I have to get real with myself - for something real. When I met “D” (I will be kind enough not to use his name) there was an instant connection and familiarity. Not only was I drawn to him visually, but there was something in his bio about Prince being the greatest musician who ever lived and my interest was piqued. As the girl with a Prince symbol tattoo on my left shoulder I was taking this as a sign to continue talking and the pursuit begin. As we got to know each other more, there were other connections - college friends that went to high school with D, a wedding and reception that we both attended but never met over twenty years back. Had we been circling each other for years while each of us were in different relationships? While we had some things in common, we had many things that made us greatly different. He had three grown kids, I have none. He was married twice, I am proudly unmarried. I went to a 4-year university, he began working full-time with a baby on the way when he was eighteen. The differences didn’t seem like a barrier to me , but rather an opportunity to get to know someone from different life experiences. This only intrigued me more. While it has been far from perfect - there have been bumps in the road and chinks in the armor along the way (more on that in a future blog) but my nurturing, caretaking spirit knows no bounds when I am in a relationship. I can fix it! I can love him enough to make everything better! And I did - love him. I still love him. In fact, we both started telling each other this far too early in the relationship but that is a story for another chapter. But yes, I was in it. Because I do not give up easily - this is both a blessing and a curse.

Two weeks leading to the “discard” things were beginning to unravel a bit. He had changed jobs about a month prior - something I enthusiastically encouraged as he was so dissatisfied with his previous job. I can hear you screaming “red flag, red flag - two jobs during the short duration of time you are together1” - and yes, I know. But didn’t I tell you how I was “in it!” A fucking yellow school bus could be mowing me down at this stage. I was already so invested emotionally, it was too late for me. His new job was in hospitality and events and now when I was working my conventional 9-5 job, he wasn’t and vice versa. The seams of pressure began getting tighter as we tried to navigate our schedules. His sleep and lower GI issues - which have always been present but mostly ignored during the entirety of our relationship - begin to ramp up. Each time we talk or text, they seem to be worsening. “I only slept two hours last night. I can’t eat anything without feeling sick.” While I believe his issues are physical, I have had enough years of therapy to understand the impact of mental health/stress on the physical body. I impart advice and encourage a visit to a specialist or more therapy (as he does claim to have a therapist) but I begin to feel like he’s not listening. At the same time, I am also feeling depressed and stressed out because of some pressures and dissatisfaction at work, but mostly (and I don’t admit it to him at this time as I don’t want to “add on”) because I am worried about this person that I love. I don’t know how to help him. I am worried about how this is affecting us. It’s going on a week and we have barely seen each other and the last time we did, he was in a bad mood and a little terse with me. I can’t navigate if this is “in my mind” or if it’s just him being tired. Because I do ask the dreaded question: Is everything okay? I receive a smile and a laugh and a “Yes, I am just beat!” When I push further and ask, are you still happy in this, meaning our relationship, he pulls me closer into his chest, kisses me and says “Yes, of course!” But I feel the dread. What is this mounting gloom that I feel bubbling under my skin?

So, now we are at the week leading up to the “discard.” D’s stress is becoming overwhelming. His words. I continue to try and provide some comfort. “Give yourself a break. Rest. I get it - you are exhausted.” He tells me that he feels like he can’t catch up on sleep which makes sense to me since he also claims he isn’t sleeping but I am walking on eggshells, being careful with my words while simultaneously realizing that none of my needs are being met. I tell him, “I miss you, babe. But I understand.” He wants to come over on Saturday evening after work but I have a celebration for a girlfriend at a lakehouse for her upcoming wedding - something that has been planned for months - so we move our plans to Sunday which seems better since he doesn’t have to work then and I am hoping he will feel refreshed and renewed. He doesn’t seem upset by this but rather relieved, so I ignore my intuition again. Have I mentioned that I have told my intuition to temporarily “peace out?”

Sunday morning hits and I am greeted by a chirpy text from him. He looks forward to seeing me and Dexter, my small dog, later. What time? Maybe 2-3pm? Sounds great. The day inches closer to 2pm. He’s still exhausted, would I mind if he comes over later? Sure. My anxiety increases. In the interim, I head to a festival down the street with my best friend and his boyfriend. He calls me while at the festival and is annoyed when I miss the call. He tells me that he’s still too tired and he’s gonna call it for the day. Yes, he is cancelling on me again and I’m stung with a mixture of dissapointment and anger. Instead of calling him back - I take a beat and text back a patient and thoughtful response. “I would rather you get rest, then guilt you into coming over, babe. Don’t worry about it - I will hang with the guys.” I cringe reading this message back as I realize how much it devalues my time with me. His girlfriend.

I don’t hear from him till the next day and it’s one or two messages later at night. At 10pm. “I just sat down,” he claims. He has been working nonstop this weekend apparently. Since it is a holiday weekend and he works in hospitality, I want to believe him. In fact, I need to believe him if I hope to save my dwindling sanity.

It’s now Tuesday - I get a message from him that he’s “trying” but so overwhelmed. He wants to see me soon though - or so he claims.

Wednesday: I am running to an eye doctor appointment in the morning and I drop him a text: “Good morning, babe. You must have crashed last night.” I say this because he didn’t bother to tell me goodnight, a pre-bed ritual we rarely missed doing (especially him) these last five months of our relationship. All I get is a “Yup and I have to be back (at work) at 10.” I can begin feeling myself spiral. Two texts in a row from me: “Ok, I’ll let you be. I’m running into an appointment. Just wanted to check on you.” Followed by: “Hope you have a good day.” No response from D. I hate myself a little more every time I text and I receive cold silence. Because I haven’t bit hit hard enough in the gut, I text again but wait until evening, 10 hours later: “We need to find time to get together and talk.” No response - and as I type this I can feel my desperation rising.

Thursday: I cried for a few hours the night before and I don’t remember sleeping at all but at 7:30am in the morning (and because I am at sadist-level state) I text “Why won’t you get back to me? I’m worried.” I get a response pretty quicky this time but it’s more of the same: “Babe, I’m just overwhelmed with everything.” My heart has dropped to the basement at this point. I’m physically shaking and my brain is screaming at me to stop and walk away from this conversation but I’ve been dragged along for a week with this behavior. My emotions break through the dam. It’s time to just be honest, right? I text: “You are shutting me out completely. I’m your partner. This is impacting me. I’ve been a fucking mess all week trying to give you space or whatever you need and trying to not be selfish, but this feels very hurtful after all this time.” The response I receive is what I have now realized is the discard. He says: “I understand this and I’m sorry. I do need a little space right now. It’s heavy on me to deal with my stuff and make sure you’re ok. I know that sounds selfish.” This is the last response D sent to me four days ago. This person, who has been posing as my boyfriend for the last six months. Yes, I couldn’t help myself and I left one more plaintive text expressing my hurt but it’s all in vain. Absolute no response.

So this is where I am at. Four days in. And I guess I am writing this blog as a part of my healing. Because when you are discarded in this manner, there is no empathy or humanity in the actions. There is no closure. There is just abandonment. A breakup is a conversation between two people and then an agreement and then a division. But when someone discards you, it’s a unilateral, cowardly action that results in trauma for the person this is being done to. In this case, me. And I realize all of this logically, but my heart, at this juncture, feels eviscerated. And I know I have to take this journey by myself. And I know I have to rebuild my heart and rediscover what I have lost within myself these last six months. So, I am starting this accountability blog so I can keep myself honest and strong during this time. If I decide to share it, maybe it will help someone else, maybe not. But I have to believe that this person was put into my path for some type of reason. Even if it’s to provide me the fortitude to never allow this to happen again. Four days in.